Fighting the current is hard, but I don’t want to just let it take me away…I am stuck, just swimming for my life, swimming in place. I am making no progress and slowly just inching further backwards.
I see others, they let the current take them, but when they decide to fight, its easy for them! They fly! Why am I stuck? I need to find to summon the willpower, but I don’t have the ability to do even that! Where do I find the means when all my focus it put into the fight?
Is the fight worth it? Everyone says yes, but I see no evidence of this. They all let the waters take them, how can they know? They think letting the current take you IS the fight; they do not know what fighting really is. They think I am fighting against something unnecessary, something that only exists for me, and if I just let go everything will become easy. Some of them fight for whatever lies upriver, but they don’t come back and tell those struggling how to do it. Is continuing the fight worth it? Is it better to let go? Or should I just get the fuck out of this river?
I know I am not making much sense.
To everyone else, I am fighting an invisible wall. I give myself these mental problems and this anxiety by choosing to overthink things and think things the wrong way. They give me advice on how to change that, but I don’t want to change that. This is what makes me me. No one understands the real me, no one accepts it, the real me is a freak who needs to be fixed. Their advice makes me angry. Of course an animal would resist being caged! How can they not see this?! If I said it, they would act like I am being ridiculous. Like I am being crazy to not accept this “wonderful” life I could have if I just give in to the current.
How many times has my father said I am acting crazy? How many times has mom said I’ll feel better once I start doing things properly? And CD? Always trying to control me, even in the tiny subtle ways that normal people don’t notice until it is too late. They think selling myself for tickets into this god-awful system will make everything bad and wrong disappear, because money cures everything, right?! If I had money, the first thing I would do is fly the fuck away from here.
They mean well, but they’re blind. They want me to join in on their system, because they think it will help me. If I tell them they are wrong, I am crazy. If they loved me, they wouldn’t control me, they would understand and enable me!
Talking to E is helping me realize this. He is different. He understands. He is like a hand reaching out from the shore to help me out of the fucked up river, instead of these others telling me to just let it take me. He won’t try to fix me, he will enable me. If he is able to give me the strength to fight the current, then he will have saved my life.