Bulletproof Glass

Words hang between 

us like glass

about to shatter

Once touched

they fall

flat, a din

sad sound

with an edge

thick

in the throat. 
I heard 

crying

but felt

nothing

I feigned sleep.

It’s not my place

any longer.
It’s nice

to read back 

over old stories

but your chapters

are over

and I’m writing new ones

without you.
The cracks

you made

are gone

from my skin

and now I

am bulletproof. 

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Lake Washington Sketches

I am in Seattle for the weekend to attend the Penny Arcade Expo on Monday. I’m staying in a nice air b&b in the suburbs, a swanky renovated basement where the owner is right above us and keeping their distance. Can’t see the Space Needle from our house, but its like two blocks from Lake Washington. Its nice and sunny up here, and not all smokey and on fire, like Oregon is right now. 

Alex and I went on a walk to Matthew’s Beach to check out the lake. I did some people doodles, yay! And also took a bunch of pictures. Then we took a loooooong walk to QFC for toilet paper and almond milk because there wasn’t a bus to take! Exercise!! The rest of today is dedicated to WiiU and beer, but tomorrow we will be wandering the streets of downtown Seattle all day. Woot.

Hate

Hate seems like a strong concept. Too strong of one to be taken lightly. A profound concept that is not given to us unless it is really and truly deserved. Not a word to just be thrown around. It requires appropriate understanding and energy to keep and develope it. I don’t think there is a single person on this planet that I dislike enough to say I “hate” them. Even the people who have fucked me up and gave me mental disorders and ruined my life. These people, I want to kill them and cut their faces off in anger and then hang them on the wall like a trophy collection in a dark room that only I know about, but I don’t “hate” them. At least, I don’t think I do. They say when you’re in love, you just know. If I truly hated them, wouldn’t I just know it?

They say love and hate come from the same place in the heart, and are sometimes confused for each other. Am I waiting for that one special person to hate with all my being? Will it be hate at first sight? Will I still want to cut their face off? What does it take to hate someone at all? I’m pretty sure I’m not confusing love with hate when it comes to E. Evidently being given some PTSD isn’t enough for me to hate, but perhaps, if it were a LOT of PTSD I would feel differently. How will I know when its hate? True hate?

When will I meet my Soul Hate?

East Lake Sketches

I went camping last week at East Lake, Oregon for a few days, and drew a couple of things, including my various family members. Being able to relax and not worry about DUMB ADULT THINGS was great, and I was actually able to do some writing as well as drawing, and I read almost the entirety of the book The Glass Castle, by Jeannette Walls. It’s great to be able to get some reading done! A good writer also has to be a good reader! And Jeannette has kinda motivated me to want to be more gung-ho about my living situation, but at the same time she’s made me feel like a crappy whiny baby for letting depression dominate my whole life, instead of being a kickass person who can actually fix things for themselves. Ack. 

As soon as I was back home, the motivation to create disappeared almost instantaneously, and I reverted back to my videogame escapism. Proof that this apartment is a bubble of soul sucking negativity, and its not just me. Only now am I motivated enough to even update my blog by just posting pictures. But yay, I’ll take what I can get. 

Poison Brewers

All it takes
a single drop

a word
a look
a laugh
Poison

to rot out a pure heart.
tiny things
Subtle
enough to turn a person
sour
bitter
resentful.

The world is tainted
Poisoned
and ruled by evil.
goodness
and decency
shamed away
into dark corners
to suffer in helplessness
and loneliness.

Why
are humans
such terrible creatures
to poison each other
in such a pointless way?

Even acts of valor
a kindness
a favor
saving a life
clapped at, then forgotten
“last weeks news”
or all looked down upon
shamed for bothering
thank you’s are ignored
holding doors for others is strange
Poison taints the meaning
destroys the purpose.
What is the point
of being nice,
when it is only ridiculed?
If it doesn’t fix the world?
One thankful heart
versus ten that hate you.

Poison creates more poison brewers.
Only few survive
the process of
that drop of malice
to live outside evil
and even those
are forever cursed
with the bitterness
and loneliness
of a long human life.

Do you not see
you are destroying the world?

People Doodles #5

Went to a BBQ for the Fourth of July that had a whole bunch of people attending. Met some new people who probably won’t bother remembering my name, hah. 

When I was doodling, people would avoid looking at me. For some reason drawing at a public event is weird or something. People don’t like it. They pretend it’s not happening and ignore you if you do that, but they’ll glance at you sideways with that look that says “someone is being weird”. But some people ignored what I was doing while still chatting with me. By contrast if I were doodling ALONE in the park (not part of a group) or at a coffee shop or somewhere, people will approach me and ask me about my drawings and drawing aspirations. Or just smile pleasantly with silent approval. It’s a strange dynamic going on here. 

It’s also funny that people think other people don’t see when they give them the “that’s a weirdo” look and act nonchalant like they didn’t even notice you’re a weirdo. Like, just because I’m weird doesn’t mean I am blind to facial expressions hahah. But I guess they just can’t help it.