Untalented

I compare myself to idols
in hopes
it will make me emulate them.
if I wrote like him
was imaginative like her
if I could speak
like everyone else

Me is not charismatic
not as eloquent
it takes me three tries
to say anything

I feel stilted
Off
Compared to others
they all seem so…
good.

But I know my words
are just uncut gems
uncracked geodes
unstitched cloth

I compare myself
to gems
Pretty things
Talented people

Maybe if I say
tell myself
that I’m good
It will make me good

Practice makes perfect
25 years
Just hasn’t been enough

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Change My Brain

“Just change your brain”

I just have to change my brain
Wow, why
Was I never able to see that

There must be
A switch?
Somewhere?
somewhere deep in my head
just gotta find it.

Before
I was faking
or exaggerating
Bad things
Now, it’s just a matter
of a flaw in my brain
Something stuck in there
that I obviously
just have to find
and remove

Wait
is it an extra piece
or a missing one?

I need a doctor
Hello? Can you help?
I have something
wrong with my brain
and its making me retarded
Please, can you see?
Remove the thing
or add what I need?
I can’t seem
to figure it out.

“Just change your brain”
“You just gotta change your brain”

If only it was that easy.

Limbo

Caged
Again
soul taken away
siphoned off
before I could
even remember
what it was like
to have one

 

Stolen
Drained away
this cursed monolith
of human shape
always shadowing
even when far away
now again, after
I had found my soul

 

Devil
who looks when looking away
eats souls
in exchange for life
while spewing
hexed words
to taint all hearts
under his shadow

 

Locked away
in a certain Limbo
beneath the dark
grip which needs
it for its nourishment
its own salvation
keeps me again
but not much longer

 

Hope,
An Opening
I’ll fly away
when the key turns
and the door opens
he will watch
as I leave
while I never
look back

 

to Throw Away
all I have known
shadows rooted in my heart
wrenched out
light switched on
against my darkened eyes
it hurts
but thankfully
But only at first.

 


Something weird was going on with spacing on WordPress, so someone please tell me if there’s too much space or weird html showing up because things aren’t adding up on my side. X(

Grief

Grief
is a vault.
ashes in the wall.
Treasures
too precious
too pristine
to touch

Safe,
away,
lost.
Far,
far away
out of sight
out of mind.

I build shrines
in my heart
to remember.
shrines with no names.
Candles burning
in celebration
to the lack of memory
of love,
of guilt,
of why
why
why?

why?

They topple down
cascading
reminding
why
echoes
tremors
the shrines
my heart
destroyed

forever

voices
telling me
why
why it happened
why they’re gone
why my heart
is cleaved
A script
rerunning
through my all
the why’s
Why,
why
why?

A figment,
to be sure,
But the only
the only
the only sign
that I get.

The ghosts
who never were
wish to be

and I hear them

beyond this bubble.
comes muffled dins
knocking
at the edge
echoing
sound and soundless
a constant noise
distant
“remember,
remember”
Ignored by all

but me.

Bulletproof Glass

Words hang between
us like glass
about to shatter
Once touched
they fall
flat, a din
sad sound
with an edge
thick
in the throat.

I heard crying
but felt nothing
I feigned sleep.
It’s not my place
any longer.

It’s nice
to read back
over old stories
but your chapters
are over
and I’m writing new ones
without you.

The cracks
you made
are gone
from my skin
and now I
am bulletproof.

Hate

Hate seems like a strong concept. Too strong of one to be taken lightly. A profound concept that is not given to us unless it is really and truly deserved. Not a word to just be thrown around. It requires appropriate understanding and energy to keep and develope it. I don’t think there is a single person on this planet that I dislike enough to say I “hate” them. Even the people who have fucked me up and gave me mental disorders and ruined my life. These people, I want to kill them and cut their faces off in anger and then hang them on the wall like a trophy collection in a dark room that only I know about, but I don’t “hate” them. At least, I don’t think I do. They say when you’re in love, you just know. If I truly hated them, wouldn’t I just know it?

They say love and hate come from the same place in the heart, and are sometimes confused for each other. Am I waiting for that one special person to hate with all my being? Will it be hate at first sight? Will I still want to cut their face off? What does it take to hate someone at all? I’m pretty sure I’m not confusing love with hate when it comes to E. Evidently being given some PTSD isn’t enough for me to hate, but perhaps, if it were a LOT of PTSD I would feel differently. How will I know when its hate? True hate?

When will I meet my Soul Hate?